Men’s Heads Are So Far Up Their Butts…..

Originally, Valet Boy was going to pen a fluff piece on Highway Rest Stops after the hard-hitting journalism of his 3 part series on our failing Health Care System.

Then he thought, since VB struggled all weekend in Le Gran Futile to repair a very simple but persistently pernicious leak in Mom’s Delta Kitchen Faucet, perhaps a piece on the frustrations of DIY Plumbing Projects….Ergo: VB’s advice: ALWAYS Call an expert before the kitchen floor, walls and the cat look like rejects from a Hurricane Katrina Theme Party.

Then, as inspiration rapped on the steel portal of Valet Boy’s porous little mind ala Poe’s squawking Raven, his facile fingers began dancing on the keyboard and an idea sprung into being and flowed like the Ganges (just without the old guys wandering around in their underwear): 

Dating Advice for the Lovelorn. 


Valet Boy has such vast experience in myriad romantic relationships:  Male/Female/Fruits & Vegetables/Farm Animals/Household Appliances…Strictly from a clinical stand point, you understand.

Let’s face it Human Beings can be pretty screwed up when it comes to all things sexual.  However, VB is not here to analyze anyone’s warped psyche (least of all his own)….As Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”…. Frankly, I would like to know who out there is always throwing rocks at me…

Lest anyone misinterpret—Valet Boy does not pretend to be qualified to dispense relationship information.  If anything, it’s the exact opposite.   I mean who in their right mind would take relationship or dating advice from a guy who’d been regrettably informed by eHarmony that he had not one single match in its entire database….Its entire WORLD WIDE DATABASE!!!

But, at my age, I’m afraid my “Days du Dallianz” are far behind me.  Merely, the stuff of sodden reminisces while intermittently dozing in the Lazy Boy as re-runs of Hawaii 5-O and Adam 12 grace the tube.  

But, happily with age comes a certain amount of circumspection and, dare I say it–Wisdom (usually accompanied by a few dozen prescriptions for Medical Male Enhancement Products–not that I’d know anything about that).

So, after whipping out a brilliantly witty piece on male-female relations, the post-writing, pre-scheduled Monday morning first-draft-editing was upon me.  (You mean someone actually TRIES to WRITE this stuff?)  This is generally a very relaxed process replete with coffee and nosh, checking emails, catching up on correspondence…so, no big, right?

Except this morning, I come across a story about Men’s Apps for their Pods, Pads and Puds that gives the Male of the Species a head’s up when his partner (s) is/are about to begin her/their menstrual cycle.

I nearly fell off my chair!  Really?  C’mon, guys…R-E-A-L-L-Y ????

Yes, it is apparently true.  One such APP is called “CODE RED”. 

OMG!  Banal?  You betcha, Red Rider….Insulting?  Without question…. Profitable?  It would appear thus.  Code Red is only one of several of these handy lil’ doo-dads that auto notifies the less sentient among us of pending PMS Disasters. 

Is that Shelly Winters clinging to the Poseidon’s funnel stack as the behemoth capsizes?

Which one’s Shelly?

Did someone say funnel cakes????

Valet Boy is proud to say that never would he – in a million years – employ such a gadget.  He cannot believe that other Men would even consider it. 

I mean, for one thing, suppose you and your lovely lady are at a sumptuous 5 Star Roadside Diner and just as she is about to dive into her Crab Louie Jordan Salad, your damn iPud starts shrieking “CODE RED…Code Red….Warning!  Warning!  Danger, Will Robinson!”  Well, Tiger, you’d be lucky if she didn’t take a 9 Iron to your skull knocking you and your evil, selfish, Man-some ways clear into next year!  To say nothing of the added complication should it be referring to SOME OTHER WOMAN!!!

Valet Boy would never use such a device because he was born with his own PMS APP hard-wired into his pea-sized brain.  (It might have been the only thing resembling a real IQ that I got)  That’s right.  VB was always Jimmy-on-the-spot when it came to his beloved’s pending visit from her Aunt Rosie.  In fact, so uncannily accurate was this internal widget during his vibrant and active youth, that often he’d have to say, “I don’t mean to interrupt you, my dear, but I believe your cycle is about to begin.  Wouldn’t you like to postpone cleaning the Winchester?”

And this brings Valet Boy full circle to his relationship guidance for men. 


Trust me.  I know on the surface it appears to be a good thing…It’s not.   Police Stations, Divorce courts and emergency rooms will be full to bursting.  Males everywhere will begin to appear on various and sundry missing persons and endangered species lists.

Let discretion (and Valet Boy) be your guide in this particular case – unless of course, you have a fondness for sleeping with the dog…outside.

That’s it for now.

Thanks for reading.  And remember: “Always set your parking brake.”

Valet Boy


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About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
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3 Responses to Men’s Heads Are So Far Up Their Butts…..

  1. laura toffenetti says:

    why aren’t you doing stand up comedy? You are perfectly funny. (no match at all? Surely some women have a sense of humor? what exactly did you put on your eharmony application??? hmmmm?)

  2. Philip Chambless says:

    No matches on eHarmony? Have you tried Craigslist????


  3. Celia says:

    This post was a great way to start my Sunday! Too funny….

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