Crab Balls Broiled in 30 Weight or Can I Have Sweet Crude on the Side?

Dear Reader;

There’s just almost too much news for Valet Boy to process.

1. Lindsay Lohan sucks blue steel before lensing begins on her role of a lifetime as one of the biggest suckers in blue movie history.

2.  At the urging of  Mr. “I’m-Almost-A-Saint” Donald Trump, Miss USA Pageantees try their hand at soft core porn.

3.  The Dow’s mysterious near 1,000 point nose dive attributed to a fat fingered Braniac who can’t spell.

And last but certainly not least…..

4.  The 4 Million Gallon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and its massive mismanagement.

Hmmmm.   What to do… What to do….

DATELINE:  Gulf Shores, Alabama

Valet Boy arrived, in the dead of night to this sleepy little coastal community, ravenously hungry.

Gulf Shores is situated on the Gulf of Mexico on curving peninsula that seems to hang down into the Gulf and as such is more vulnerable than Mobile Bay itself.

Luckily, we had stopped at the Publix Market in town before the 20 minute drive to the Beach House.  But, thinking we’d grab a bite at one of the popular local seafood haunts, all we snagged was breakfast stuff and junk food.   Alas, upon arriving we discovered it was too late – all the eateries were closed for the night.

So, our dinner consisted of Pop Secret Microwave Popcorn, Cheetos and Bourbon.  Perhaps, Valet Boy has a new diet plan & cookbook in the offing…

It was too dark to be able to get a clear view of the beach, but to our delight, the wee lil’ phosphorescent plankton were playfully dancing — their little bodies glowing bright blue in the rolling waves.

Weary from the long drive, we took to our respective bedrooms and a good night’s sleep.  Except the ceiling fan in my room was making noise like an angry Nun whacking a paddle while driving a clanking Model T.

(Insert a few bars from the William Tell Overture)

The morning began bright and early at the crack of 9:30.  I jumped out of bed…actually, I kind of rolled off, grabbed my head, groaned and coughed out “Hmm, hash browns!”  It smelled wonderous to me…(My Aunt Liz later complained that she had awakened to the most foul odor she’d ever inhaled and wondered what the heck it was?)

The kitchen was a buzz with sizzling taters, poaching eggs and chopping fruit.  (Many thanks to Tamara and Cousin Mark for their fine culinary skills!)

I raced to the sliding glass doors that led to the deck overlooking the white sands of the Gulf’s beach. They were still spotless.  No hint of greasy Pelicans in need of a bath in a tub of Dawn or deep-dipped and battered marine life.  Whew!

Thank Heavens!

Then a glance at the horizon and I could plainly see (at barely the 3 mile limit) 22 natural gas & oil platforms and pump stations. 

Later in the day, (ever-watchful for the tell-tale signs that BP had slept here), Valet Boy took a long walk along the sands picking up bits of plastic, Styrofoam and clumps of soggy insulation – Valet Boy eschews the collecting of shells in favor of a little beach policing action.

No signs of oil anywhere…except the ever-present reminders along the horizon.  I sincerely hope that another disaster isn’t waiting in the wings, because if one of those babies blows there will be no way to contain it.

On a side trip to The Pines convenience store, I was privy to a conversation between the store manager and a gentleman from the Department of the Interior.  (That means I eavesdropped)

The Fed Guy was adamant that the oil would never reach the shores of Alabama’s Mobile Bay.  In fact, it was his contention that the whole thing had been blown out of proportion by the media.  He asserted that with all they were doing (I assumed he meant our pro-active government and BP, the Bio-Angel of our Greener Future) the environmental impact would be minimal, and that tourism should pick up quickly.

Sounds great on the surface doesn’t it?   (Except, the day we left the beach, sticky black tar balls were already starting to arrive on shore. Yummy.  Can I get mine with Tar Tar sauce?)

But, let us not forget that the Department of the Interior is supposed to be riding herd over the MMS, Minerals Management Services, and they were supposed to be riding herd over the oil companies. 

Of course, we’ve since discovered that MMS was drinking, screwing and generally philandering with the plundering oil companies when they should have been overseeing them and that a valve which costs a mere $500,000 to install quite possibly would have prevented the oil spill.  But our dear government watch-dogs were more concerned with snorting coke off the exposed body parts of the BP Representatives than they were about OUR COASTAL WELL-BEING. 

So, when BP said, “We don’t need no stinking valve!” the diligent MMS watch dogs snorted a fat line off their bare butt cheeks and happily agreed.  

Here’s one:  So this Fox, covered in feathers, turns to the Farmer and says….”No honest, I was just flossing…” 

As if that’s not bad enough, Ken Salazar (our Dept. of Interior Czar) wants to expand the powers of the MMS…No mention of firings, fines or punishments. 

“You boys and girls have done such a darn good job for the American people, that we’re not only going to give you a raise, each of you gets a Kilo of medical grade marijuana and a complimentary copy of the new 3D Playboy!~”

Sounds an awful lot like the phat-heads at the SEC who were supposed to be keeping an eye on the banking crisis but were too busy paddling their puds to on-line porn to do their jobs…So far they aren’t being punished either and there are currently NO PLANS TO DO SO!

Seriously????   Really????   

Hot Damn, I want a high paying job that pretty much allows you to fiddle while Rome burns with absolutely NO CONSEQUENCES too!

Furthermore, our intrepid Congressional Saviours Kerry and Lieberman introduce a “Climate” (snigger) Bill that is rife with OIL CO. STIMULUS PAYMENTS, OIL CO. TAX BREAKS and MORE FREE CHINESE MONEY FOR —- That’s right THE OIL COMPANIES!!!!

Folks, I am just sick to death of this crap.  As far as Valet Boy is concerned, the End of the World in 2012 can’t come soon enough!!!

Although, I admit it is rather like throwing the baby out with the bath water.   Maybe we could arrange it so that the Pelicans, Whales and the Turtles survive while Congress disappears.

That’s it for now.

Thanks for reading.

Valet Boy

Valet Boy is on the road heading back to North Carolina for a few weeks. 


About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
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6 Responses to Crab Balls Broiled in 30 Weight or Can I Have Sweet Crude on the Side?

  1. Rita Hyatt Deck says:

    VB, once again, you nailed it. Welcome Home!

  2. Celia says:

    You Rock, VB.

  3. Leslie says:

    I think you should run for president and boil congress in “OIL”

    Great piece

  4. laura toffenetti says:

    hate the truth. love how you state it!

  5. Philip Chambless says:

    Great Job VB….. Looking forward to the report from NC… I.N.Fidel….

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