This week, in a super secret undisclosed location nowhere near the Gulf of Mexico, Tony Hayward – the CEO and guiding light to British Petroleum, one of our planet’s more earth friendly corporate giants (ROFLMAO) – announced a radical new approach in their ongoing scientific methods to capture the approximately 8 million barrels (but who’s counting, right?) of spilled oil that have devastated the Gulf of Mexico and the lives which depend upon it, both animal and human.
DATELINE: Somewhere Out of Harm’s Way
Reporters, Journalists and ineffectual Bloggers (Yay Me!) from around the globe were blindfolded and herded onto an old Blue Bird School Bus (without AC mind you, someone from the EPA said it was for the “inviyrn’mint”) and driven into the hinterlands to a desolate and Godless place that didn’t even have a 7-11 and deposited within what appeared to be a quanset hut. Valet Boy was fortunate enough to be among the A Team Journalists grilling Mr. Hayward.
BP CEO Hayward spoke to reporters in typical British fashion – with that cute little effete accent that makes you just want to hug them because they’re so cuddly, sincere and caring: “Americans have the attention span of a gnat. In a few short weeks, they will have forgotten all about the blighted estuaries and marshlands, the dying birds and suffering marine life and shall once again be consumed by the vagaries of whether or not Lindsay Lohan will be diving for clams in prison.”
There seemed to be an incensed uproar to Hayward’s comments from those in attendance, however, it was soon determined that a lucky journalist from the Los Angeles Times had just been Tweeted that she’d won the lottery drawing to be Lindsay’s cellmate. Despair fell upon the crowd though as it was soon learned that, by some wierd twist of fate, Lindsay had escaped jail time when an inebriated Euro-Trash Crack Head posted her bond with the court in LA.
Hayward continued his pronouncement, “We are well aware of the damage to the planet which our criminal neglect and lust for power and wealth have created. Therefore, in conjunction with the Governor of the State of Arizona, Jan Brewer, we have devised a plan which we call ‘Operation: Immigrants Suck’.”
Not one to shirk his duties, Valet Boy promptly raised his hand for a question and was summarily ignored.
Hayward continued, “In BP’s latest futile last-ditch effort to appease the environmental lobbies, all illegal immigrants, aka Mexicans, will be rounded up, flown to the Gulf, given giant straws and dumped into the sea. We anticipate that this will immediately eradicate two pesky problems.”
Infuriated, Valet Boy rose to his feet bellowing, “Sir, I find that to be cold, cruel, callous, reprehensible, repugnant and morally abhorrent.”
Once the laughter in the room subsided, Hayward turned his beady little eyes to Valet Boy and with a smirk said, “They’re Mexicans. What’s your point?”
Everyone eagerly awaited Valet Boy’s 1-2 Punch Rebuttal. Undaunted, VB stammered out, “Well, how do you feel about the latest poll taken by TMZ and the fact that you’ve replaced Jesse James as the ‘Most Hated Man in America’ ?”
I turned to my fellow scribes seeking approval. There was none, so I sat back down.
Valet Boy felt vindicated though when a Reporter with The Mobile Home Gazette from Slapout, Alabama intercepted his fumble and charged down the field. “Hey you, Mr. Big Fancy Oil Man…How’s about tryin’ somethin’ like them bio-engineered bacterium what eats oil? Or I even hear tell that some college guy at Auburn (he spat and muttered Roll Tide) invented a process that makes Kudzu act like a giant roll of Bounty to mop that sh*t right up.”
Hayward stared at the reporter as if he had Catfish shooting out his backside. “In the unlikely event that the Big Suck should fail, BP has just negotiated a retail and marketing plan with Hawaiian Tropic to bottle any reclaimed oil as a self-tanning product for nursing home shut-ins .”
Judging by the nods and murmurs from those gathered around Valet Boy, everyone thought this was a really cool idea and should help poor BP make up some its staggering losses, which could ultimately amount to as much as 1% of its annual profits.
Valet Boy is not sure, but he believes the next query came from someone who worked for NPR. “Mr. Hayward, and I use the term loosely, over the past several years, BP has blatantly ignored EPA Rules and thwarted Maintenance Standards resulting in the deaths of at least 26 of its employees, destruction of wildlife and its environs and millions of dollars in fines. Is it not in fact true that BP’s current debacle could have easily been avoided by the implementation of a simple valve costing a mere $500,000?”
Hayward turned bright crimson and seemed to morph into Dick Cheney. “British Petroleum is not in the business of anticipating failure. So, f*ck off!” After a brief moment to compose himself, Mr. Hayward glared at the agog faces, “If there are no intelligent questions, this press conference is concluded. Please, find your own way home.”
From the back of the quanset hut someone yelled, “Where are we?”
But, as Hayward was leaving the podium, Valet Boy got in one last zinger, “Mr. Hayward! Sir! What do you have to say about tar balls?”
He paused in his race to the door. I knew I had him then and there. He turned and smiled beatifically, “I say, grow a pair.”
You gotta hand it to BP….They’ve got an answer for everything.
That’s it for now.
Thanks for reading….
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