Hormel Questions My Use of Spam …or…’Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost Weight

Dear Readers,

As always, thank you for letting Valet Boy take up a little bit of space in your already too cramped lives.

We did try a little something different the previous week with teaser mailers (Valet Boy was very interested in learning if this promotional exercise would increase exposure to his site.) 

The computer had been taking a nap (it gets so sleepy on these spring days) and after VB screamed at it to GET TO WORK! the INBOX revealed 50 new messages eagerly waiting to be read.  Since Valet Boy’s fan base is still relatively small  – when compared to that of Jesse James, Lindsay Lohan, British Petroleum, Rasputin and Adolph Hitler – 50 emails in an hour is pretty darn good.

VB was certain that his approach had worked and that new readers from all over the country were happily discovering his wit and wisdom. (okay, perhaps wit AND wisdom is a bit of a stretch)  Usually true, as it usually turns out, VB was wrong again.

This past week, while VB was linking some social media websites in order to improve his Blog’s delivery options, a nasty trojan email hacker program hijacked his email addresses and flooded his friends and family with a horrid torrent of torpidity offering discount pricing on male enhancement drugs such as Levitra and Viagra.  Apparently, there were also such intriguing offers through the illicit Spam as: “Learn to Speak Turkish at Home in Your Boxers”, “101 Uses for Vegetables That Don’t Require Special Dispensations from the Pope”, “How to Increase Your Mate’s Pleasure by Leaving” and so on and so on… 

Valet Boy was simply mortified to discover that something like this had happened.  To HIM!!!  And just as humiliated to learn that there were not in fact 50 people out there who wanted to read his “Confessions…” Blog ——-

So, if you were one of the unlucky ones who received the Spam Email, Valet Boy is sincerely sorry and hopes that you have not suffered any lasting hardships because of it.  VB wants to express his extreme gratitude to his Cousin Sandy, who is a Computer Wiz to the “Nth” Degree,  for all of her help in finding and eradicating the worm.

But, as Valet Boy is always a Glass-Half-Full-Kind-of-Guy (unlike his alter ego The Typist), he was happy to discover a bright side to this problem.  Thousands of you contacted VB to complain, cajole and generally confab about the viral email.  Well..perhaps, it wasn’t thousands….Hundreds?…..Okay….It was only a hand full, but it was a really BIG HAND. 

People with whom VB had not chatted in years reached out to him.  He was very pleased.  But, alas sometimes Good Things are followed by Not So Good Things.

Valet Boy learned that the Love of his Life during most of his 20’s and 30’s, a beautiful woman with a penchant for jug wine and dulcimers who captivated, castigated and generally castrated VB, had died over a year ago.  (The end of that relationship was permanently sealed by fate’s super glue with her marriage to one of VB’s erstwhile best friends – a nutty as a fruitcake in one of those “He’s so eccentric” kind of ways guys – with an IQ off the charts and a bank account to match.  Intellectually, VB certainly could not fault her choice seeing as how VB has the brains of a chicken and is virtually homeless.)  Of course, Time Heals All Wounds – and broken hearts are sure to mend as well – given the proper amount of time, alcohol, drugs, therapy, fishing and fried okra.  

Even though Valet Boy had not spoken with this woman or her husband for more than 25 years, the knowledge of her passing made VB feel sad.  He began to reflect upon the many relationships in his life, both those whom he currently holds dear as friends and those whose lives, for one reason or another, have sequenced out of his sphere.  

It occurred to VB that he should make the effort to tell his friends:  “Even though we don’t speak on a daily basis, or even if VB doesn’t answer your emails, or refuses to help you plant pest resistant broccoli on your Facebook Farms, or forgets your birthday, or your name….none of that really matters.  What matters is that you “know”, whether you like it or not, that you have a cherished place in his heart and his memories.” 

But, all of that makes Valet Boy sound like some maudlin besotted Irishman about to toss his bitters – and that’s the other guy’s job.  So, without further impediment here’s Valet Boy’s:

HELPFUL DATING TIPS FOR MEN #23 

Guys, when a woman says to you, “I have issues” – Be smart enough to accept her word on it.  Don’t let your brain rush headlong into a fantasy world of naked chocolate pudding love, because 99 times out of a 100 your imagination could not possibly be further from the truth.  And it does no good to question her on said “Issues”.   You will clearly discern her meaning in the all too soon future. 

What she is saying to you, God Bless Her, is this:  “You have one Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card.  If you want to take it…Please, do so NOW!” 

Most Men will assume they are being chivalrous or kind and will believe that this equates to some form of Emotional Weight Lifting Test and the size and scope of their various bulges are being called into question or held in judgment and they immediately need to pull the old “There there, honey, you’re not THAT bad..” line out of retirement.

NO!  No!  Noooooo!  WRONG. 

She is simply informing you, “If you proceed further with this attempt at bedding me, and/or perhaps entering into a relationship, then there is every possibility that one night you’ll awaken to high-pitched giggles from a woman straddling your chest with the light of a dangerously full moon glinting off the blade of the World’s Largest Butcher Knife as it wavers, poised to plunge into your larynx, eye sockets, intestines and/or various other fleshy locales equally as likely to speedily help you shuffle off this mortal coil.”

This Wonderfully Gracious Kind and Loving Woman (one of whom may actually be reading this) is giving you a chance to escape without recrimination – without regret – without the police and court system getting involved.

I could advise you to accept her generous gift of the “G.O.J.F.C.” and you might be totally justified in taking it and running away just as fast as your stubby little pins will permit.  Logically, that might be the safe and sane reaction.

However, the flip side to this Invitation Only Escape Route is that you will most assuredly miss out on one of the greatest, most entertaining and amazingly satisfying relationships you might ever have the privilege to experience. 

I can’t remember who told me, “It’s okay to date crazy women…” —  I really appreciated their advice and took it to heart immediately, perhaps in retrospect it would have behooved me to stay within earshot for the rest of their sage advice – “…Just remember to wear your Kevlar.” 

But, truth be told.  We are all of us a little crazy at times are we not?  Our emotions send us reeling, bouncing off the padded walls and driving us headlong shrieking into the bowels of The Grand Canyon ala “Thelma and Louise”….

Love can be brutal.  True enough.  People who doubt that have never fully opened themselves to the experience of “Life Without A Net”. 

Valet Boy is here to tell ya —- that is the 1 or 2 people who have not witnessed his own insane melt downs first hand— that his heart has more scar tissue than Ahab’s White Whale….   (Hey, there’s an idea.  VB can name that organ ”Moby” and use the 3rd Person when speaking of  it…”Moby is breaking now”….”Moby wants what Moby wants”….”Moby CAN’T HEARRRR you”)  On second thought moby not—

As I age, (I’d love to say As I Mature… But, we all know the two have nothing in common when it comes to Valet Boy) it just takes far too much energy to be crazy and what may be thought of as the “Patience of Job” or the “Wisdom of Experience” is in reality just ever encroaching elder-tude. 

Valet Boy hates to admit that, because it requires embracing his own mortality and ever crispy bones and joints, but the Days of Crazy Dating have been relegated to The Stuff of Fond and Funny Memories.  Even the painful ones somehow become a little special, because it does indeed mean we have connected on some deep emotional level with another human being …..or could possibly just being laying the groundwork to becoming a homicidal sociopath….Whatever.

In his own round-about way I guess, VB is really saying:  THANK YOU

A very Moby-felt Thank You to those wonderful women (And especially a certain someone who may still be reading this) who offered me their G.O.J.F.C. but gently encouraged me NOT to accept it.  Had Valet Boy played it safe and sane, he’d be ever the poorer for his choice.

In parting, My Dating Advice is this: 

Don’t listen to people.  (And that includes those little bells, alarms and whistles going off inside your own head-unless they’re not IN your head, but are in fact the police, fire dept. and ambulance ALL racing down your street)  Go boldly forth.   Remember, they don’t make romantic comedies about people who huddle safely in caves, armed to the teeth protecting themselves against human contact. 

Go ahead and risk getting your Moby broken… even trounced and trashed.

Give & take love freely….Who knows who or what might be waiting right around the corner.  (Of course it could be lawsuits, restraining orders, a little jail time…) 

 

Have a wonderful and safe Memorial Holiday and remember to thank those Men and Women in uniform for their sacrifices and take a moment to reflect upon the many sacrifices made and paid by previous generations for our freedoms that we so often take for granted.

 

Thanks for reading,

Valet Boy

 

Next Week:  Glenn Beck and Valet Boy go “head to toe” as Beck accuses Valet Boy of being responsible for everything that’s wrong with America today.

Don’t miss out on having “Confessions of a Valet Boy” delivered right along with your Sunday Morning Newspaper.  Subscribe today!  It’s free and it guarantees that Islamic Terrorists won’t be lurking in your Denver Omelet.

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About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
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5 Responses to Hormel Questions My Use of Spam …or…’Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost Weight

  1. DAN says:

    I LIKE BEING IN THE CAVE , NO LAWYERS AND I HAVN’T HAD TO BUY
    SOMEONE I NOW DESPISE A HOUSE ….. LATELY .

  2. Rita Hyatt Deck says:

    VB continues to amaze me. Personally, I think it’s far better to have loved & lost…..
    you know the rest of the story. I felt your sadness. Sorry.

  3. laura toffenetti says:

    Sweet but nuts! The trouble is the people with issues often times don’t admit to others or themselves that they have issues and so can’t or won’t offer the GOJFC (shouldn’t that be GOOJFC? you think it’s OK to just drop the of? poor thing!). Life is a crap shoot but I’ve learned that the bells going off in my head are worth listening to. Brick walls are not made to be run into. I wish VB luck in finding a sane and lovely woman to share his humor and life with. Leave the monopoly cards to some other poor smuck.

  4. Philip Chambless says:

    I would say that it’s better to date crazy women than to not date at all, but I might be wrong about that…

    Fidel

  5. Michael Gladstone says:

    Any of VB’s fans out there experiencing any “lasting hardships” longer than four hours should immediately call a physician…….
    And now I will take a Viagra and go to bed, I am alone but it seem to make my mattress harder..

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