There is virtually no one among us, ensconced within the boundaries of the Right Coast of this great country, for whom June and July have not been oppressive.
It is generally thought that the Romans invented Air Conditioning by piping cool water from aqueducts through the walls in upper class homes and buildings. In fact, it was the Chinese during the Han Dynasty that gave us the first notion of cooling the air. Followed shortly thereafter by the Persians.
Add this uncharacteristically early heat wave to our already staggering complications: High Unemployment, Gulf Coast Oil Disaster, the Continuing Housing & Financial Crisis, Congress more Concerned with Fighting Each Other than Fighting Our Nation’s Problems, Two Basically Unwinnable Wars (this having much to do with the ignoring history and being doomed to repeat it stuff) and Poor Lindsay Lohan going to the Big House for a 6 month stretch of Ladies’ Night Out Pajama Parties —
Not to mention baleful Mel Gibson.
It seems that the heat and humidity (as well as the scotch, vodka, tequila, anti-aging & male enhancement drugs and incipient Bi-Polar Disorder) have really done a number on his ability – or desire – to edit the venom that spews forth from his famous gob. Now that the William Morris Agency has given him his walking papers, Mel is a Free Agent. The bright side is the 10% agency fee he’ll be saving could amount to millions….or rather would have if he hadn’t been on such a wholesale tear to destroy his career.
Is this skinny little Russian nesting doll really all that and a “Bag of Borscht”? She’s attractive in a Slavic sort of way, except for those lips… Good Lord! – Just say no to Botox! But, is she the femme fatale of all time?…. Bent on wrecking male ego havoc as she plows her way through the roster of Hollywood Has-Beens, Never Weres and Soon To Be Disenfranchiseds? She must have some pretty powerful mojo working down there to be able to Mata Hari her way across several Continents and careers. But, you know the first tip-off for Mel (and for Tim Dalton – whom I admire for keeping a cool head and his mouth shut when Oksana dumped him) should have been that SHE’S RUSSIAN!!@!!
Nothing against Russian women, they all look very sincere and innocent in those ads plastered all over the internet…But the fact is, you cannot be breast-fed on Vodka and not turn out a little off-balance… Come to think of it, she appears the more level-headed one in all this mess. Way to push those buttons, Oksana!!
Right now, it is doubtful that Mad Mel will be able to overcome this latest rash of insanity. He needs an intervention. Perhaps his rage and obscenity riddled rants are simply a misplaced cry for help and all he needs is a little guidance….a better way to channel those energies.
I say let’s give Mel & Lindsay shovels and put them to work out in this wretched heat!
If this season’s unseasonably fiery hot-spell is indeed an Homage to Global Warming, I strongly feel we should institute a policy of National Hibernation. We could construct huge cooling caves underground and herd everyone into them on the Summer Solstice to sleep for 3 months or so until the median temperature drops to a more humane level. (VB likes 72 degrees F. and Yes, we’d take domestic animals too)
Valet Boy thinks this would actually resolve a few serious issues: Crime would drop precipitously – it’s pretty difficult to loot & pillage when you’re unconscious, Pollution from automobiles and factories would be greatly diminished, Bieber Fever would be cured, Obesity would be whittled down and the list of positives just goes on and on.
Of course, we would have to make sure everyone was “knocked out” – I mean we don’t want to resolve certain issues only to face a massive population explosion 9 months later.
And upon reflection, we may want to consider some kind of Somnabulisto Hit Squad. All of the folks who are not hardened criminals would be permitted to “check out” when the Hot Stuff comes, while the remaining “undesirables” would be hunted by the Somnambulistos and either be put away or put down. This would be a really good way to preempt future crimes. Of course, we’d have to suspend certain portions of the Constitution to make this practical. But hey, the Executive and Legislative Branches of our Government don’t seem to have much of a problem with doing that so it should be a slam dunk.
Oh, and we should make certain that our political leaders are there as well — We really will need to keep an eye on them. In fact, members of opposing parties should be required to “bunk” together. (I imagine it would be interesting to hear the pillow talk between Pelosi & Boehner prior to nodding off)
Pelosi: “Scratch my back?”
Boehner: “You’ve got to be kidding, right? Good Lord, woman!”
Pelosi: “My psoriasis is killing me. Have a whiskey sour. That’ll help.”
Boehner: “Hmmm. You’re right. After a couple of drinks, the thought of touching you isn‘t quite as nauseating.”
Pelosi: “A little lower and to the left, please.”
Boehner: “This reminds me…You ever gone camping in the Mojave?”
(Knock at the Door)
Pelosi: “Who’s there?”
Voice from Hall: “It’s me. Your big bite of dark chocolate, Nancy baby.”
Boehner: “Good Heavens! Is that Michael Steele?”
There might be some whining by the Midwest and the Left Coast, but we should appeal to their better natures and give them some options:
1) For the past several years, the Midwest has been hit repeatedly by floods that are practically Biblical in nature. Think of traveling to the Caves as an East Coast Dry-cation.
2) Californians are not going to want to be anywhere that they have to share space with people from Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi or Alabama….And you know that probably goes both ways. Okay, so California gets a pass on this one…But remember, if you fall into the Pacific Ocean while we’re all asleep, nobody will be there to throw you a life-preserver. But by way of fairness, should California fall away from the rest of the country, we’ll throw Barbara Boxer off the Statue of Liberty in the Spirit of Solidarity.
You know, we could also use this “down time” for mass infrastructure repair. I know it’s going to be brutal for the construction workers, but let’s face it, they’ve got their faces buried in boiling tar most of the time anyway so they should be used to it. Look at it this way, You go to sleep everything is falling apart – You wake up and it’s all brand new….No traffic snarls while waiting for some caravan of hard hats to cross the road.
But, we should maybe offer the contractors a little incentive. I know…We can give them passes to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Orlando. Yeah, that should do it.
Okay, that pretty much solves those problems.
Thanks for reading,