Why I Hate Twitter…and…Is Bill Gates Really Satan?

Please don’t misunderstand me here.  I like technology.  I jumped at the misbegotten opportunity to buy into the wholesale lie that we could forge a paperless society.  Armed to the teeth with my good intentions, I dove head first into the pile o’ hype.

And while I may never be considered a Techno-Wiz, I am far from being a Luddite… In fact, I’m pretty sharp at figuring things out on my own, teaching myself the how to’s and wherefore’s when it comes to my PC and its programs.  (But, privately I long for the day when I may proclaim to the ‘Verse:  “I be a MAC daddy”.)

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

However, when it comes to Twitter and Tweeting and all that, well I am lost in a confusing rat-filled cyber-maze.

I didn’t so much leap at the chance to join Twitter as I languidly opted into the fray viewing it as a tool Valet Boy could employ to get his message out to the world…  Albeit VB is still unclear what that message may be… and as far as getting said message to the world…If my most recent experience is indicative, then the world at large may just have to stumble along without my help.


In the beginning it took several attempts to even get a Twitter account and after that it took me a few tries to figure out what I was doing with it once I had it.  You know the brilliant folks behind Twitter really don’t care much about the whole “explanation” side of the equation.  They’re more into the “jump right in so we can get our numbers up and sell this piece of crap to highest bidder” side of things.

I owe John and Rhonda Oglesby a big debt of “Thanks” for all of their help getting Valet Boy set up in that regard.

At first everything went along smoothly enough.  Valet Boy would post his WordPress blogs and automatically, almost magically, it would be sent to my Twitter account to be distributed or publicized or whatever you want to call it.  It’s not my fault if only 3 people read it…at least it was out there!

Then the problems started.

Soon I was unable to Log In.  I repeatedly had to reset my password each time I wanted to visit my Twitter pages.  I tried the Help site for Support and read the FAQs.  Nothing.  No help por moi.  It seemed that VB was the only person suffering from this Twit malignancy.

And get this – Outside of snail mailing Twitter’s corporate office, there was no way to reach these guys for help.  Now to me that just smacks of arrogance on the one hand, and on the other it seems to cry out “Tee hee hee…We’re really analog junkies after all… Fooled ya!”

Eventually even being able to reset my password stopped working.

But at least by now Twitter’s Braniacs had realized they had a problem.  They posted a little notice on the site that told those of us suffering from this communicado-malady that “YES, we’re aware…and NO there’s nothing we can do about it.” In essence they’re telling Valet Boy, “Shut the Hell up about it and leave us the Frak alone!”

All I can say about Tweeting and the whole Twatting melange is Thank Heavens I never got addicted to it.  I’d have been so deep into withdrawal symptoms that I would’ve had to look up to see the butt cracks of those damned Chilean Miners!

So, now even linking Valet Boy’s blog posts to publicize through Twitter has stopped functioning.

I tried setting up a new email address and creating a new Twitter account.

“Ho ho ho…No go, Mr. Boy.  We know what you’re trying to do.  You ain’t getting around us that easily.”

So, I guess that’s it.  Twitter’s door has been slammed shut on poor Valet Boy.

But, you know who VB blames, right?  Well to be sure you could say “Facebook” and “MySpace” or even AOL.  They are the parents of Social Media.  But you have to go back…waaaaay back to the mid 1970s to find the Great Grand-daddy of it all.

You got it…Mr. Bill Gates himself.


That little Harvard dropout started this whole mess.

Is This Man the Devil? (photo courtesy of Microsoft Presspass)

He and Paul Allen got together in 1974 and began fiddling with the programming language called BASIC and building their own computers.  By 1981 their little company, known as Micro-soft, was on tap to re-sculpt the global face of communication and commerce and in so doing just happened to have a little Hitler-esque world conqueror fantasy added on for snicks.

What started out as a simple word processing program (revolutionary back then, ho hum by today’s standards) has given birth to the World’s Richest and Most Powerful Human Being.  And frankly that goes way beyond good old-fashioned Capitalism…Now we’re into the Orwellian Creep Zone.

In fact, just the other day I was reflecting upon when I first came across Microsoft Word. Speaking of Orwell, I believe it was actually 1984 when I was exposed to this insidious thing…or maybe it was 1986 or ’87…anyway, you get the picture.

The iconic IBM Selectric. The "Mona Lisa" of typewriters. (photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

I was living in Hollywood in those days (at that time it WAS the center of the ‘verse) and I’d been feverishly writing screenplays on my 4,000 pound IBM Selectric Typewriter and determined it was time to evolve.  Move into the computer age – in those days a PC was merely a glorified word processor and itself weighed in at almost 3,000 pounds.

But, you had to have something called a software program on the computer before you could write a single word.  A friend of mine said she’d heard about such a thing.  In fact, she knew of a guy hiding out in a motel somewhere in the Valley and he had a thing called a PC and was using this new material called Microsoft Word.  It was very hush-hush secret stuff and she had to get me clearance before I could meet with him.

I got the okay and drove to the motel.  I employed the “ultra secret code knock” on the door.  (Probably just “shave and a haircut”, y’ know) Back then most of my days were spent in some half-lidded drug induced stupor, so this easily played right into my paranoid hysteria.

The door opened a crack.  I uttered the code phrase:  “Hey man.  Maggie said you have this computer word thing.”

He grabbed me by the wrist, pulled me into the room, slammed and locked the door.

A finger to his lips for silence (I suppose the walls had ears), he nodded and flicked his eyes to a computer on the table.  Wow.  He actually carried the damn thing around with him!

I took a step toward it when he stopped me.  “You have to swear to keep this a secret.  I’m not supposed to be showing this to anyone.”

I don’t remember if a Bible was involved, but I raised my left hand and forswore, then reverently moved toward the screen, which for all the world looked like a bunch of Greek gobble-dee-gook, and sat down in front of it.  “You can actually write with this?…How does it work?”

I may as well have been Adam drooling naked in the Garden of Eden before Eve’s come hither smiling face as she proffered the damned Apple.

That was all she wrote.  I took the bait.  Bit into it hook, line and sinker.

So, here we are almost 25 years later and that damnable PC and all its accursed infectious Micro (soft) Organisms has spawned trillions of bytes from billions of connections and millions of users.  That’s enough of a hold on us to make Heroin jealous.

And just like a junkie’s dream come true…The first taste was free.  But I’ve been paying for that free taste every day since.  Ain’t nothing free from ol’ Mr. Bill Gates no more…No, siree.  He gots ol’ Valet Boy right where he wants him.

Thanks for reading!

Valet Boy

PS: Just prior to this post being published, the Twitter Gang sent me an email.  At last, after months of frustration, rejection and anger – finally they are ready to help Valet Boy.  I seriously doubt it has anything to do with the timing of my post, but it is a wee bit suspicious, n’cest pas?

We shall see….


About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
This entry was posted in Corporate Greed, Cyber Terrorism, Funny Stuff, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Why I Hate Twitter…and…Is Bill Gates Really Satan?

  1. Dorothy says:

    My thoughts exactly on Twitter…………lol loved the post

  2. Philip Chambless says:

    Thank God you’re back VB. My life is now complete…

    Jesus Garcia

  3. Roger Hampton says:

    I’ve had my ‘iMac’ for about ten years now. No problems. A lot of friends have had consistent problems with their ‘PC’s’. Hmmmmmmm.

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