THE CHRISTMAS BED PAN
A Holiday Poem by Jim McKeny – Inspired by Gesh Metz (with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
Kaopectate and Pepto were handled with care,
In hopes for a cure that we soon could all share.
The children were screaming and pooping and crying
Poor Mom stuck with laundry, constant washing and drying.
When what to my watering red eyes should appear,
But a Solid Gold Bed Pan whose purpose was clear.
It flew through the house o’er sofa and chair, over kitties
and puppies and Grandma’s blue hair.
It swooped by our bedsides, touched each one in turn
And it promised relief with no “rectal burn”.
What caused this malaise, this downer-mode mood?
To whit the Bed Pan confided, “T’was bad Chinese food.”
The Bed Pan worked magic and within just an hour
I was patiently waiting in line for the shower.
The worst now was over and we all felt much better
Grateful our torment had not been much wetter.
T’was something we’d eaten, t’was never a doubt
But thanks to the Bed Pan things really “panned” out.
Our tummies now empty we met by the Tree
To give thanks to the Bed Pan and nibble some Brie.
The Brie was so grand that we added some Nog plus Fruit Cakes and Chocolate, a Velveeta Cheese Log.
We ate and we ate and we stuffed until dawn,
Then gathered together to purge on the lawn.
The Bed Pan saluted and took off on its flight
To rescue more families of similar plight.
So remember, when holidays suffer contractions
In tummy and fanny and other reactions,
Just call Christmas Bed Pan
He’s there in a flash
An angel of mercy
With no after poo rash.
And we heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
Thank God this is over and it’s only one night.
It ain’t Oprah’s Favorite Things, but it’s the best I could do.
Merry Christmas, My Friends
Valet Boy thanks all of YOU for a wonderful year in the Blog-o-sphere. This week “Confessions…” made the 5,000 Hits Milestone! Valet Boy reminds you to watch for more “Tales from the Hollywood Hills” coming soon. Have a great Christmas, Hanukkah and New Years and we’ll see you right back here on Sunday January 9, 2011.