You Don’t Know Sheen From Shinola!

Shinola Shoe Polish

This is Shinola.

It was trademarked in 1929 by the 2-in-1 Shinola-Bixby Corporation of New Jersey.  The phrase, “You don’t know shit from Shinola” became a popular saying during WWII.  Shinola was also the “make-up” of choice for racist minstrel show performers.

The rest of the sh*t is pure Sheen!

Born September 3, 1965 as Carlos Irwin Estevez in New York City,  Charlie Sheen is the youngest of 4 children and the most successful, famous, loved and despised.

You would’ve had to be living beneath a rock in the crawl space of a Tibetan monastery not to know about Charlie’s recent explosive meltdown.

By contrast, Lindsay’s and Brittany’s meltdowns were child’s play compared to Charlie “The Malibu Messiah” Sheen’s volcanic fall from questionable grace.  The closest thing to Charlie’s degeneration was last year’s apocalyptic slide into infamy by Mel Gibson.  However, Mel did not intend for the world to become privy to his substance abuse and his violent rants and raves.  Charlie did everything possible to ensure the world knew of his plight.

Strangely mute have been his former cast members of the hit TV show “Two and a Half Men”.  Charlie did admit that almost all of his co-stars had gotten in touch with him to offer words of support.  All except his #1 co-star – Jon Cryer, whom Sheen called a coward and a  troll.  Way to endear your friends there, Sheenster.  Cryer was recently seen on “Conan” cracking funny about his new moniker.  Tastefully done, I might add.

I’ve always liked the show “Two and a Half Men” and it is difficult to see how it can continue without Charlie.   And unless the affiliates, cable networks and syndicators link hands and unite for an anti-Sheen Kumbaya moment, the now unemployed Mr. Charlie stands to continue making million$ off the show for many years to come thro re-runs, syndication and DVD sales.  This just adds precious financial fuel to his enthusiastic acrimony….should he survive that long.

Also absent from media commentary seems to be Charlies’ dad Martin and brother Emilio. From my perspective both family and erstwhile cast pals should be given some kind of an award for long-suffering patience or at least a special place in Heaven.

Artist's rendering of the Sheenster in rehab.

I’ve just finished reading Tim Dorsey’s latest book entitled “Electric Barracuda”.  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Dorsey’s work, I can tell you this – you are missing a wildly fun ride.

Set in the Sunshine State, his lead character, throughout this series of irreverent and hilarious stories, is the anti-hero known as Serge – a good-natured, bi-polar, schizoid poet/serial killer/historian with a love for all things “old Florida”.

The smart Producer would snatch up Charlie and cast him in the role of Serge and start production immediately on any one of the 13 novels starring Serge and his stoner buddy Coleman.  Tim wouldn’t even have to work that hard on the film script.  They could just point the camera at Charlie and tell the supporting cast to roll with it.  “Think of him as the drunken hyper-alien version of Robin Williams on super steroids and nicotine infused mega vitamins.”

If I was the President, I would draft Charlie as our emissary to the Middle East and charge him with handling delicate negotiations with the regions’ most insane dictators and leaders.  I believe that Charlie alone speaks a language that Libya’s Gaddafi and Iran’s Ahmadinejad can understand and appreciate.  Certainly, at the very least, they would attain a new respect for us crazy Americans.

This past week, word came down that Charlie may actually be starting to think maybe he’s stepped a wee bit too close to the mental-emotional precipice.  I hope so.  This is one very talented guy who can learn from others who have trod this dangerous and deadly path before him.  Most notably the fellow whom I believe to be the finest American Actor working today – Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

I’m sure we all are keeping our digits firmly crossed that Charlie gets the help he needs.


On a lighter note…

For those wondering about my current battle with the mid-life spread and my diet – I am down 18 pounds and it has been for the most part relatively easy.  My goal is simply to be able to fit into the jeans which have been languishing in my closet for the last 4-5 years.


Dear Friends and Readers,

I’m sure you join me in sending our thoughts and prayers to the people of Japan.

And to a lesser degree the folks in Hawaii and Northern California.

If you have had any doubts that mankind is drawing ever closer to his apocryphal end – currently slated for December 2012 – please pull you head out of your…well… your “you-know-what” and get with program.

We have screwed the pooch.  We’ve drained the cauldron.  We’ve ridden the last horse into the ground.  We’ve bedded the last virgin.

We stuffed ourselves at the table, ran off without paying the tab, kicked the Piper on the way out the door and drove off from the pump stiffing the attendant.

Get right with your maker, your bookie, your ex’s and whomever else you owe any Karmic due…

The After Life is going to be pretty frigging gnarly!!

Thanks for Reading!

Oh, have a safe and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Valet Boy


About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
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7 Responses to You Don’t Know Sheen From Shinola!

  1. Tommy Verran says:

    Just for the record, no “best actor” catagory can be finalized until Tom Hanks and Johnny Depp have been considered as well.

  2. Rita Hyatt Deck says:

    This was one of your all time best. Thanks!

  3. Philip Chambless says:

    Love you VB. Hey I’m having a party New Years Day 2013. I hope we can still get together…

    XOXO, Butch

  4. Why do the nut cases get all the attention? I’ve got to get crazier (Oh, yeah and tad more famous). Have family in Japan. Burn a candle, gong an orange, pray or send $$ to the Red Cross. BTW good post, Jimbo.

  5. Roger Hampton says:

    I know that your comment about Robert Downey Jr., is only because I’m not currently working!

  6. Kelly Wallace says:

    Two words: Gary Busey.

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