How to Prepare for the End of the World

Good Morning, Campers!  Rise and Shine.  Today is Sunday April 10th, 2011.

Happy Anniversary, Valet Boy!

Yes.  One Year Ago today VB crawled out of his primordial ooze du obscuritae to re-launch his (newsletter) blog.   And what a year it has been.

The BP/Transocean/Haliburton oil disaster, the crushing heat wave, the Tucson attacks and murders by yet another certified nut job with an automatic weapon, Rep. John Boehner’s ever-so-manly crying jags, Lindsay Lohan’s consistently sloppy slide to insipid infamy, Elmo & Katy Perry’s boobs, my mom’s battle with our inept health care system, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen (say no more, please!), my trip to Dragon*Con in Atlanta, acting work on a couple of movies, the short sale of my home and Bank of America’s remarkably significant stupidity, Arizona’s immigration flap, a brutally near ice age nationwide winter, that crazed hirsute foam-headed Florida minister’s threats to and eventually successful burning of the Koran, our own 2012 predictions, the failure of every president and congress since Jimmy Carter to do ANYTHING about the rape of the American consumer by Big Oil…And now…..Japan’s Love Affair with the Bomb Comes Full Circle….Anyone else wading in pools of radioactive irony here besides myself?

We may be closer to the doom of mankind than at anytime since The Bay of Pigs.

While Governments seek to calm the general populace’s slow-boil to hysteria over the Japanese Nuclear Disaster, most Middle Eastern Nations are in a desperate fight between maintaining the status quo and establishing something more akin to a democratic populist rise of personal freedom and liberty.

Valet Boy is all for personal freedom and liberty, but I fear this is a goal which they will never achieve.  Not because their Dictators and Monarchs will stifle their dreams, but rather because they as a people have no foundation upon which to build a government and society that recognizes and embraces a culture of personal freedom.  Apart from some 5th and 6th century flirtations with the ideals of a Republic, or partially Democratic society, these poor folks have been under the crushing thumb of mad dog oligarchies, monarchies and theocracies for so damn long they have no earthly idea how to handle freedom much less self-government.

The new boss will be the same as the old boss.  You just mark Valet Boy’s words.

Of course, the rest of the world’s most powerful governments (translated as major multi-national corporations and oil companies) are licking their choppers and planning to sweep in on the coattails of these revolutions to capitalize on hopefully more Western Friendly (translated as greedy and easily manipulated) revised-revamped  Nations.

But, you see from Valet Boy’s perspective all of this is a huge waste of precious time.

What good is all that oil?  What good is garnering the wealth of the world?  What good is revolution or depravity or subjugation?

What will it profit any of mankind when in 20 short months and some days the world will end?  Shouldn’t we better be concentrating on other things?

While to some it might seem silly that we go about prepping for “The End” –  what seems silly to Valet Boy is that some people (translate as despots, dictators, demagogues, congress) insist on waging a world of hurt through war, deprivation and enslavement seemingly unbothered by the inevitable.

Valet Boy is of the opinion that success is where preparation slams into the butt of opportunity.

Therefore, today we will be discussing the best pathways to ensure that YOU are fully prepared when you find yourself at the corner of “OMG and Holy Shit” streets!

The Top Things to Forget

This is critically important.

Most Disaster Preparedness Agencies and Officials will tell you to have certain SUPPLIES on hand, and in abundance, such as:  Radio & batteries, Flashlight & batteries, Portable TV & batteries,  Portable HVAC & batteries….

Keep the Batteries and forget the rest of the crap.  Get a battery powered Giant Dildo. Let’s face it.  You’ve already been screwed to the max, you may as well enjoy the rest of the ride.

FOOD & WATER. Well obviously people who horde food are of the opinion that they will survive long enough to digest their last meal…These foolhardy individuals are simply misguided optimists without a clue.  So rather than waste your time rushing willynilly gathering tons of canned Del Monte baby peas & string beans…. Just head to your local liquor store and stock up on the Johnny Walker Blue Label.

One of the things that I always found ridiculous when I did my stint in AA ( Yeah,  I know) was when someone would announce something like, “You all know that Fred B. died this past week after battling cancer for the last 5 years.  All I can say, is Thank God he died sober”.  Or  “Billy G. was senselessly murdered in a drive by shooting last night, but good for him, he was sober.”

BS!!!  Listen, if I’m going down for the final count – I want a friggin’ Top Shelf Martini chop chop, ya dig?  And throw in a BJ while you’re at it.

So…Let’s take stock…We’ve got a dildo, batteries and booze…Okay so far so good.  I might also throw in some good BOOKS.  Grab your personal faves and you might want to consider packing the BIBLE too…just to be safe.  Oh, and on second thought, keep that battery operated TV/DVD player combo and bring along a selection of your favorite films and some CD’s.  That takes care of the Entertainment…of course, in all likelihood we won’t live long enough to even start a good game of Scrabble.

This past week I saw a special on TV about some of the folks who are planning ahead for the World’s End.  They are making a handy profit on all the freaking out.  Though when there’s nothing left to buy, I have no idea what good all that gold will be.

Of course, Valet Boy is not really preparing for the End of the World.  Like most of us, I want it to come as a surprise, albeit not a very pleasant one.  When everyone thought Comet Kohotek was going to wipe us out, Valet Boy and a couple of his buds dropped acid and went to Sequoia National Park to play with the trees.  Now, that’s what I call preparing for the End of the World.

Excuse me, bartender…about that Top Shelf Martini…

So with this last “Confessions of a Valet Boy” – just in case I never see you again – Let me thank you all for your readership, comments and words of support over the past year.  It has indeed been a fun ride and I am happy and lucky to count all of you as my friends.

I’m sure Valet Boy will pop up again, perhaps from time to time when the level of stupidity crests to the flood stage and there is no other way out of the sanitarium.

To those of you who expressed interest in my novel, I’ll let you know as things progress…. Please keep your fingers crossed that I do finish before the tide rises and we are all washed away.

And now on a more personal note:

Happy Birthday To Roger H. one of VB’s most ardent fans and faithful friends.

Good Luck, Fidel, on striking it rich in the desert.  I’m counting on you to support me in my old age….better hurry up though.

Dan, don’t fall asleep in the van!

Kelly W., I’ll be coming through Greenville soon and ready for a big hug.

Leslie D., I’m keeping all my fingers crossed.  Give SB a big hug.

John & Rhonda, I may make it back there in time to help you guys out.

Rita BoBita, I’m growing my hair long and I’ve lost 21 pounds….Say Hi to Taco Bill.

Hali B., Marci D. and Debbie P.R. – You Gals are my California Mafia and I love ya!

Terry Lee… see Valet Boy did mention you!  Now a show of hands…who’s open?

P.A.,  Hoo-Haa caught more fish than Kellie and me combined.  Can you believe that?

Paulie (aka Mr. Knuckle), I’m never picking up another paint brush…ever!

Laura T., thanks for being my defacto literary adviser.

Deb Em, here’s hoping the Buffalo will roam free and rule the land once again.

To my family and friends in Alabama, New Mexico, North Carolina, California, Arizona, Indiana, Illinois, New York, South Carolina and Beyond….

Thank You All and Don’t Forget to Set the Parking Brake!

With Love,

Valet Boy


About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
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6 Responses to How to Prepare for the End of the World

  1. Philip Chambless says:

    Gone but will not be forgotten. We all Love you VB…… Now about that BJ!!!!


  2. Rita Hyatt Deck says:

    ok……think I’ve got everything I need. tks. It’s been a great ride with you, VB. Somehow I think the best is yet to come. We are waiting patiently. 21 down & longer hair? Yep, that gives me something to work with for your back cover photo. TB says hi. We look forward to your return. The fish have grown! Safe travels.

  3. Aunt Bea says:

    And just when you finally learned how to spell. Valet boy will be missed, you can bet on that. The hummers are back so hurry up.

  4. Jon Simpson says:


  5. Kelly Wallace says:

    I’ll miss you, Valet Boy. But that there was some good advice on preparing for the end. Love you!

  6. peggylee says:


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