Not Back from the Dead, Just Visiting!

For those of us who were not raptured yesterday, I say:

Greetings, Earthlings!

Valet Boy has been absent from his regular communicaes for a little over 5 weeks now and his mouldering “Confessions…” site still seems to generate hits.  However, this is more than likely auto search and seizure programs gobbling up blog sites it can find to target and infect with idiotic Spam.

Thankfully, these passive attacks get shoved into a holding cell for future purging.  So while dropping by to do a little house cleaning, it struck me that I should perhaps take a moment to say “Howdy, neighbors”.

Thus VB’s decision to poke his head out of exile and see what the heck’s been going on since his departure.



Who would’ve thought so much mind numbing, spirit draining, soul sucking schmutz would’ve been foisted on such an unassuming innocent populace in such a short sweet time?

Of course, the good news is Bin Laden’s auditioning for “Pirates of the Caribbean 5” playing the role of Crab Brunch…. OMG, I hope he doesn’t end up doing a Guest Spot on Spongebob!

And everything else that’s happened is pretty much SH*T!

Remember, when VB warned you about the Spring Weather?  It certainly came with a vengeance.  Thankfully, VB’s family and friends were spared but not too far away from us here in Monkeytown things did not go as well.  Apart from the ‘Nadoes,  we’ve got the Mississippi turning into a real mean bitch and running rough shod over anyone and everything in her path.  This spring has been one record-setting natural disaster after another…and the good news is – we still have Hurricane Season to look forward too!

“But, Valet Boy, we turn to you for good news,”  some might say….

Sorry Charlie.  I just do not see anything good on our collective horizons.  And I ain’t just talking – “Hot enough fer ya?”

Nope.  Friends we are in for a real stinker….Fans of Cormack McCarthy’s novel “The Road” might have an inkling of what’s in store for us.

America is broke and broken…and the rest of the World’s not in much better shape.

We’ve been asleep at the wheel and allowed our supposedly representative government to drive us to Hell in a red, white & blue gas hogging SUV  – all the while they’re banging the chamber maids and screwing the rest of us out of what we thought was our birth-rite as American citizens – turning the Great American Dream into a Monstrous Global Nightmare.

Am I the only person on the planet who sees such a clear correlation between our Government’s Failure and Nero’s fiddling “There’ll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight”?

Dyed in the wool liberal Democrats blame the Republicans and vice versa, of course.

But friends it takes two to tango…well, actually one can tango but it’s awkward and looks silly.  They are both wrong.  And they are both wrong about virtually everything.  You recall the old joke: “How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here – I blame us just as much as I blame them.  We followed eagerly and willingly to the trough of doom.  We bought the lie about bigger is better and we helped ourselves to the misbegotten misconception that we could spend ourselves out of debt.  That’s like saying we can drink ourselves sober.

Are you with me here?

We have a congress filled with lazy, self-serving idiots who are virtually all on the take and haven’t got the God-given sense to come out of the rain.  Our system of checks and balances, which our Founding Fathers in their noble wisdom assumed would be sufficient to keep us on the straight and narrow, has ceased to serve its grand purpose – being as how all 3 branches of the government are so far in the crapper there’s no ladder long enough to help them climb out.

Wow, Valet Boy…You must be some kind of commie to be espousing this kind of pessimistic rhetoric.

Not so, my brothers and sisters.  VB is just a regular guy who has grown weary of watching everything consistently fall apart.

But, what can be done?  Is there any way to stop the downward spiral?  Personally, my opinion is a resounding NO.  Apart from dissolving this failed experiment of a Democratic Republic and handing everything over to a benevolent dictator – I think not.

We, the People aren’t going to do anything.  We’re too wrapped up with American Idol,  Dancing with the Stars and internet porn to give a flying damn.  And for sure Congress isn’t going to do anything – why should they? – They’ve got it made.  Sit on their asses for a few years and then retire with full pay and benefits for life?  Great work if you can get it.

But, for a moment let’s just assume that there are some things we could do to at least postpone the inevitable collapse.  What might those things be?

Dear Lord, the list of required reforms is so long that we’d die of old age before we got half way through it.

But if I was president for a day – (better make that dictator) – and not fearful of assassination, off the top of my head, under executive order (after a temporary suspension of some of the Constitution and Bill of Rights) this is what I would do – I call them my dirty dozen – and I’m pretty sure nobody would like it:

1.  Freeze all foreign aid now.  Give it a temporary moratorium to dig deep and discern what works and what doesn’t.  The plan, of course, being to eliminate ALL aid to any nation that has an income.  No more borrowing money to loan to one of our quasi-world partners and going into further debt with no hope of any return and generating global ill will along the way.  It makes no sense whatsoever to borrow money from China to help Egypt. (Of course, it makes even less sense to borrow money from China so that we can buy products made in China…but hey it keeps Congress happy…)  While we’re at it, let’s revisit the some of the Monroe Doctrine style concepts  –  I’ve always been a big fan.

2.   Restructure all Congressional retirement packages to be active for no more than time served.  In others words, 6 six years in office? Six years severance at half-pay and half benefits.  No more lifetime free rides….And term limits.  You get 2 terms and that’s it. Same as the President.  We’re not keeping you around to screw us over and over and over again.

3.   Exercise the line item veto.  Go through the budget and eliminate any and every special pork barrel project line by line.  If it doesn’t provide for National Security, Infrastructure or Aid to the American People, it gets slashed.

4.   Restructure our debt with China and get firmer with those that OWE us.   I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of helping folks who just spit in our faces later…or worse, drive planes into our buildings.

5.   Get our Men and Women out of Afghanistan and Iraq NOW.  And stop sending any money to those corrupt governments.  In fact, we should have a national policy of NEVER propping up a puppet regime….I cannot recall one time when that has not comeback to bite us on our collective asses.  Can you?

6.   Throw the US Farm Bill out the window and really do what we tell the American people we’re doing.  In other words, helping Farmers to help themselves and US.  That’s NOT what the Farm Bill does today.  Oh, it does help farms…huge Agricultural Conglomerates which need our taxpayer financial aid as much as I need Rosie Greer’s and Ray Milland’s heads growing out of my shoulders…(Hmmm, now that I think of it that might be a real career booster!)…. I’d also dispense with the lie that Ethanol is saving us from Foreign Oil and is good for the environment – I would end subsidies for that horse-pucky immediately.

In fact, I would stop all Taxpayer Incentives to every business in every industry which does not meet certain strict requirements for the term Small Business…And if you have shifted your manufacturing overseas to save money, well you get a nice fat tax penalty to boot.

7.     All Oil Company subsidies end here and now.   All Oil Companies would be required to collectively return $500,000,000,000 to the American People in the form of gas rebates and freebies.  All Oil Companies profits will be taxed annually just as if they were individual American citizens.   Oil Company Executives will be held criminally responsible for any and every environmental disaster promulgated while they are at the helms of their companies.  The buck stops at the top.  I don’t care.  Throw a few of those A Holes into solitary for a few months’ time and I guarantee you’ll get results. Better yet, introduce them to their new wife Bubba and see how fast things change.  There are more things I’d do regarding gas and oil as well – for example; suspend speculative futures trading, make certain at-the-pump-pricing-practices illegal, etc.  – In fact, I might just nationalize the bastards.  See how they like that!

8.    Immigration.  Lets face it, after these social and political changes people won’t want to come here and that should take care of that issue.  But, in case it does not….Frankly, I don’t like “the fence” – Oh, the concept is okay, I just don’t like the way it looks.   I would make it easier for anyone to become an American Citizen and the trade-off would be swifter and harsher penalties for those who skirt that.   There has to be some humanitarian oversight and common-sense here, but unless YOU are planning on working like a slave in the fields picking the cotton, just shut up about it all.  And I’d get tougher on our southern neighbors for creating and fostering an environment that makes so many people want to leave in the first place!  All those men and women coming back from foreign soil can be helpful in protecting our native soil.

9.    Taxes.  No more tax breaks for anybody.  Restructure the IRS – Raise the “poverty level” to $25,000 and increase the “personal exemption” to $12,000 for every individual making less than $50,000 a year.  Enact a graduating Flat Tax across the board to everyone.  No shelters, no hideouts. The top tax rate would be 50% – applicable to every cent earned over an established figure, for instance $3 or $5 mill.

10.   Unemployment & Jobs.   No more Unemployment Compensation as it has been.   If you’re out of work, we’ll put you to work.  If the Government is going to write you a check every week, we’re going to get some energy out of you.   Create a National Jobs Program similar in “concept” to the CCC back in the 30’s – Ranging from the Arts to Infrastructure to the Redwoods.  (The unions are just gonna have to suck it up or pay a penalty)  One of the first things would be to build new prisons to house all of those who helped get us into this mess in the first place.

11.   Social Security and Medicare.  Let’s face it, folks, there will have to be some cuts.  But, the first thing I would do raise is the SS payroll contribution levels to cover all income.  In other words, Bill gates would NOT be paying the same SS Tax as Joe Schmo…which is how it works now…no wonder the damn thing is broken.  Are you a multi-millionaire?  No Social Security or Medicare for you.  You don’t NEED it.  That’s NOT who/what these programs were created for.

12.   Wall Street – Hedge Fund Managers no longer get a free pass.  Neither do Bankers.  I wouldn’t put a cap on earnings, but By God, you’re going to pay for them in taxes.  My new policy would be a Goose and Gander type thing.  If it’s good for me – it’s going to be good for you…or else.

Of course, I feel safe in saying all of the above because I will NEVER BE PRESIDENT or Dictator…Hell, I’ll never even be on the City Council….Remember, in my youth, I inhaled….and I inhaled often….Many times with, or in the presence of, most of YOU!

So, at least I got that off my chest.

Now, I realize that this nonsense is absolutely impossible and, if not that, then certainly improbable.  I mean it is a wee bit protectionist and stifling.  But in truth, the desperate need for US belt-tightening and realignment is way past due.

So, what then?

Did you know that you can write and call the President?  Your State and National Representatives?  Your Senators?

They may not listen to you – in fact, I all but guarantee that most of them won’t (they don’t care – they don’t have too) – but at least you’ll feel better about things while flipping over to the latest episode of Family Guy….

Which reminds me, I was so thrilled to hear that Seth MacFarlane is reviving The Flintstones…I just hope we all survive long enough to see it….And I’m really glad I didn’t get raptured because I am eagerly awaiting “Cowboys & Aliens” in July.

Well, friends, I guess that’s enough bitching, whining and griping until whenever…Stay as cool as you can this Long Hot Summer…I’ve got to go find a safe place to hide from “THEM”…. I’m sure they’ll be looking for me after this rant!

(Oh, please…Don’t flatter yourself, Mr. Boy)

Valet Boy


About Valet Boy

Valet Boy has risen from the graveyard of forgotten blogs as an occasional hump day publication! Yes, once again Valet Boy will drag his zombie like corpse out into the rarefied faux-literary air populated by lonely but hopeful pseudo-authors with nothing better to do with all their free time than sit on their fat fannies in front of computer screens going blind....or turning Japanese...or both Anyway, thanks for stopping by!
This entry was posted in Corporate Greed, Evil in Politics, Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Not Back from the Dead, Just Visiting!

  1. Rita Hyatt Deck says:

    Wow Jim. That was amazing. Perhaps more folks should have inhaled. It didn’t seem to harm your brain. I’d vote for you AND your 12 steps. Perhaps you should not hide, but forward this to the powers that be in charge. Great thoughts & writing, my friend.

  2. Shawn Hooper says:

    Why is it again you won’t “run” for office???

  3. marci donley says:

    Yeah, Valet Boy for President!!!!!!!!!
    Please run the country for us while i’m off watching reality shows……..
    glad to see you back VB……

  4. peggylee says:


  5. Terry Lee says:

    okay…..I can agree with elements of 2, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11, and 12.

  6. Michael Gladstone says:

    I don’t care what you inhaled…. I would still vote for you for Benevolent Dictator…
    By the by, anyone else find the name of our friend Hali Burton to be amusing in the midst of all this mess?

  7. Aunt Bea says:

    Amen brother, you’ve got my vote. I actually agree with all 12 steps. You could be our hero and make the world right. Maybe we can see Cowboys and Aliens together as I’m also awaiting that one. It’s got to be better than the news.

  8. laura toffenetti says:

    Ah, VB is in fine form! I especially like the Bin Laden/ Sponge Bob face off!
    What is really scary? That YOU are making sense! Either I’m losing it or we’re in as bad a shape as you say! (glad you’re not flooded!)

  9. Roger Hampton says:

    Gee VB, if we pull our troops out of Iraq, who’s going to protect the Bush/BinLaden and Haliburton oil companies?

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