Drunk with Power? Green with Envy? Lost in Translation?


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Hello Fellow Travelers!

Valet Boy may be rising from the literary blog-o-sphere grave.  Hold on to your squorts there…Don’t get all squishy-fied on us.

I’ve been gone for so long, I’m not sure I remember how to do this.

So therefore…this is just a little “reach out and touch someone” test.

If this reaches YOU…then please send me an email at: jmckeny@msn.com  or comment 9in the appropriate field.

You be properly and adequately notified when VB’s Zombie-Resurrection is complete.

Thank you and eat your vegetables.

Valet Boy

 

 

 

Posted in Humor | 15 Comments

Not Back from the Dead, Just Visiting!


For those of us who were not raptured yesterday, I say:

Greetings, Earthlings!

Valet Boy has been absent from his regular communicaes for a little over 5 weeks now and his mouldering “Confessions…” site still seems to generate hits.  However, this is more than likely auto search and seizure programs gobbling up blog sites it can find to target and infect with idiotic Spam.

Thankfully, these passive attacks get shoved into a holding cell for future purging.  So while dropping by to do a little house cleaning, it struck me that I should perhaps take a moment to say “Howdy, neighbors”.

Thus VB’s decision to poke his head out of exile and see what the heck’s been going on since his departure.

HOLY MOLY CRAP-O-LINI!!!!!

WHAT A MESS WE’VE MADE OF THINGS!

Who would’ve thought so much mind numbing, spirit draining, soul sucking schmutz would’ve been foisted on such an unassuming innocent populace in such a short sweet time?

Of course, the good news is Bin Laden’s auditioning for “Pirates of the Caribbean 5” playing the role of Crab Brunch…. OMG, I hope he doesn’t end up doing a Guest Spot on Spongebob!

And everything else that’s happened is pretty much SH*T!

Remember, when VB warned you about the Spring Weather?  It certainly came with a vengeance.  Thankfully, VB’s family and friends were spared but not too far away from us here in Monkeytown things did not go as well.  Apart from the ‘Nadoes,  we’ve got the Mississippi turning into a real mean bitch and running rough shod over anyone and everything in her path.  This spring has been one record-setting natural disaster after another…and the good news is – we still have Hurricane Season to look forward too!

“But, Valet Boy, we turn to you for good news,”  some might say….

Sorry Charlie.  I just do not see anything good on our collective horizons.  And I ain’t just talking – “Hot enough fer ya?”

Nope.  Friends we are in for a real stinker….Fans of Cormack McCarthy’s novel “The Road” might have an inkling of what’s in store for us.

America is broke and broken…and the rest of the World’s not in much better shape.

We’ve been asleep at the wheel and allowed our supposedly representative government to drive us to Hell in a red, white & blue gas hogging SUV  – all the while they’re banging the chamber maids and screwing the rest of us out of what we thought was our birth-rite as American citizens – turning the Great American Dream into a Monstrous Global Nightmare.

Am I the only person on the planet who sees such a clear correlation between our Government’s Failure and Nero’s fiddling “There’ll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight”?

Dyed in the wool liberal Democrats blame the Republicans and vice versa, of course.

But friends it takes two to tango…well, actually one can tango but it’s awkward and looks silly.  They are both wrong.  And they are both wrong about virtually everything.  You recall the old joke: “How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving.”

Now, don’t get me wrong here – I blame us just as much as I blame them.  We followed eagerly and willingly to the trough of doom.  We bought the lie about bigger is better and we helped ourselves to the misbegotten misconception that we could spend ourselves out of debt.  That’s like saying we can drink ourselves sober.

Are you with me here?

We have a congress filled with lazy, self-serving idiots who are virtually all on the take and haven’t got the God-given sense to come out of the rain.  Our system of checks and balances, which our Founding Fathers in their noble wisdom assumed would be sufficient to keep us on the straight and narrow, has ceased to serve its grand purpose – being as how all 3 branches of the government are so far in the crapper there’s no ladder long enough to help them climb out.

Wow, Valet Boy…You must be some kind of commie to be espousing this kind of pessimistic rhetoric.

Not so, my brothers and sisters.  VB is just a regular guy who has grown weary of watching everything consistently fall apart.

But, what can be done?  Is there any way to stop the downward spiral?  Personally, my opinion is a resounding NO.  Apart from dissolving this failed experiment of a Democratic Republic and handing everything over to a benevolent dictator – I think not.

We, the People aren’t going to do anything.  We’re too wrapped up with American Idol,  Dancing with the Stars and internet porn to give a flying damn.  And for sure Congress isn’t going to do anything – why should they? – They’ve got it made.  Sit on their asses for a few years and then retire with full pay and benefits for life?  Great work if you can get it.

But, for a moment let’s just assume that there are some things we could do to at least postpone the inevitable collapse.  What might those things be?

Dear Lord, the list of required reforms is so long that we’d die of old age before we got half way through it.

But if I was president for a day – (better make that dictator) – and not fearful of assassination, off the top of my head, under executive order (after a temporary suspension of some of the Constitution and Bill of Rights) this is what I would do – I call them my dirty dozen – and I’m pretty sure nobody would like it:

1.  Freeze all foreign aid now.  Give it a temporary moratorium to dig deep and discern what works and what doesn’t.  The plan, of course, being to eliminate ALL aid to any nation that has an income.  No more borrowing money to loan to one of our quasi-world partners and going into further debt with no hope of any return and generating global ill will along the way.  It makes no sense whatsoever to borrow money from China to help Egypt. (Of course, it makes even less sense to borrow money from China so that we can buy products made in China…but hey it keeps Congress happy…)  While we’re at it, let’s revisit the some of the Monroe Doctrine style concepts  –  I’ve always been a big fan.

2.   Restructure all Congressional retirement packages to be active for no more than time served.  In others words, 6 six years in office? Six years severance at half-pay and half benefits.  No more lifetime free rides….And term limits.  You get 2 terms and that’s it. Same as the President.  We’re not keeping you around to screw us over and over and over again.

3.   Exercise the line item veto.  Go through the budget and eliminate any and every special pork barrel project line by line.  If it doesn’t provide for National Security, Infrastructure or Aid to the American People, it gets slashed.

4.   Restructure our debt with China and get firmer with those that OWE us.   I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of helping folks who just spit in our faces later…or worse, drive planes into our buildings.

5.   Get our Men and Women out of Afghanistan and Iraq NOW.  And stop sending any money to those corrupt governments.  In fact, we should have a national policy of NEVER propping up a puppet regime….I cannot recall one time when that has not comeback to bite us on our collective asses.  Can you?

6.   Throw the US Farm Bill out the window and really do what we tell the American people we’re doing.  In other words, helping Farmers to help themselves and US.  That’s NOT what the Farm Bill does today.  Oh, it does help farms…huge Agricultural Conglomerates which need our taxpayer financial aid as much as I need Rosie Greer’s and Ray Milland’s heads growing out of my shoulders…(Hmmm, now that I think of it that might be a real career booster!)…. I’d also dispense with the lie that Ethanol is saving us from Foreign Oil and is good for the environment – I would end subsidies for that horse-pucky immediately.

In fact, I would stop all Taxpayer Incentives to every business in every industry which does not meet certain strict requirements for the term Small Business…And if you have shifted your manufacturing overseas to save money, well you get a nice fat tax penalty to boot.

7.     All Oil Company subsidies end here and now.   All Oil Companies would be required to collectively return $500,000,000,000 to the American People in the form of gas rebates and freebies.  All Oil Companies profits will be taxed annually just as if they were individual American citizens.   Oil Company Executives will be held criminally responsible for any and every environmental disaster promulgated while they are at the helms of their companies.  The buck stops at the top.  I don’t care.  Throw a few of those A Holes into solitary for a few months’ time and I guarantee you’ll get results. Better yet, introduce them to their new wife Bubba and see how fast things change.  There are more things I’d do regarding gas and oil as well – for example; suspend speculative futures trading, make certain at-the-pump-pricing-practices illegal, etc.  – In fact, I might just nationalize the bastards.  See how they like that!

8.    Immigration.  Lets face it, after these social and political changes people won’t want to come here and that should take care of that issue.  But, in case it does not….Frankly, I don’t like “the fence” – Oh, the concept is okay, I just don’t like the way it looks.   I would make it easier for anyone to become an American Citizen and the trade-off would be swifter and harsher penalties for those who skirt that.   There has to be some humanitarian oversight and common-sense here, but unless YOU are planning on working like a slave in the fields picking the cotton, just shut up about it all.  And I’d get tougher on our southern neighbors for creating and fostering an environment that makes so many people want to leave in the first place!  All those men and women coming back from foreign soil can be helpful in protecting our native soil.

9.    Taxes.  No more tax breaks for anybody.  Restructure the IRS – Raise the “poverty level” to $25,000 and increase the “personal exemption” to $12,000 for every individual making less than $50,000 a year.  Enact a graduating Flat Tax across the board to everyone.  No shelters, no hideouts. The top tax rate would be 50% – applicable to every cent earned over an established figure, for instance $3 or $5 mill.

10.   Unemployment & Jobs.   No more Unemployment Compensation as it has been.   If you’re out of work, we’ll put you to work.  If the Government is going to write you a check every week, we’re going to get some energy out of you.   Create a National Jobs Program similar in “concept” to the CCC back in the 30’s – Ranging from the Arts to Infrastructure to the Redwoods.  (The unions are just gonna have to suck it up or pay a penalty)  One of the first things would be to build new prisons to house all of those who helped get us into this mess in the first place.

11.   Social Security and Medicare.  Let’s face it, folks, there will have to be some cuts.  But, the first thing I would do raise is the SS payroll contribution levels to cover all income.  In other words, Bill gates would NOT be paying the same SS Tax as Joe Schmo…which is how it works now…no wonder the damn thing is broken.  Are you a multi-millionaire?  No Social Security or Medicare for you.  You don’t NEED it.  That’s NOT who/what these programs were created for.

12.   Wall Street – Hedge Fund Managers no longer get a free pass.  Neither do Bankers.  I wouldn’t put a cap on earnings, but By God, you’re going to pay for them in taxes.  My new policy would be a Goose and Gander type thing.  If it’s good for me – it’s going to be good for you…or else.

Of course, I feel safe in saying all of the above because I will NEVER BE PRESIDENT or Dictator…Hell, I’ll never even be on the City Council….Remember, in my youth, I inhaled….and I inhaled often….Many times with, or in the presence of, most of YOU!

So, at least I got that off my chest.

Now, I realize that this nonsense is absolutely impossible and, if not that, then certainly improbable.  I mean it is a wee bit protectionist and stifling.  But in truth, the desperate need for US belt-tightening and realignment is way past due.

So, what then?

Did you know that you can write and call the President?  Your State and National Representatives?  Your Senators?

They may not listen to you – in fact, I all but guarantee that most of them won’t (they don’t care – they don’t have too) – but at least you’ll feel better about things while flipping over to the latest episode of Family Guy….

Which reminds me, I was so thrilled to hear that Seth MacFarlane is reviving The Flintstones…I just hope we all survive long enough to see it….And I’m really glad I didn’t get raptured because I am eagerly awaiting “Cowboys & Aliens” in July.

Well, friends, I guess that’s enough bitching, whining and griping until whenever…Stay as cool as you can this Long Hot Summer…I’ve got to go find a safe place to hide from “THEM”…. I’m sure they’ll be looking for me after this rant!

(Oh, please…Don’t flatter yourself, Mr. Boy)

Valet Boy

Posted in Corporate Greed, Evil in Politics, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments

How to Prepare for the End of the World


Good Morning, Campers!  Rise and Shine.  Today is Sunday April 10th, 2011.

Happy Anniversary, Valet Boy!

Yes.  One Year Ago today VB crawled out of his primordial ooze du obscuritae to re-launch his (newsletter) blog.   And what a year it has been.

The BP/Transocean/Haliburton oil disaster, the crushing heat wave, the Tucson attacks and murders by yet another certified nut job with an automatic weapon, Rep. John Boehner’s ever-so-manly crying jags, Lindsay Lohan’s consistently sloppy slide to insipid infamy, Elmo & Katy Perry’s boobs, my mom’s battle with our inept health care system, Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen (say no more, please!), my trip to Dragon*Con in Atlanta, acting work on a couple of movies, the short sale of my home and Bank of America’s remarkably significant stupidity, Arizona’s immigration flap, a brutally near ice age nationwide winter, that crazed hirsute foam-headed Florida minister’s threats to and eventually successful burning of the Koran, our own 2012 predictions, the failure of every president and congress since Jimmy Carter to do ANYTHING about the rape of the American consumer by Big Oil…And now…..Japan’s Love Affair with the Bomb Comes Full Circle….Anyone else wading in pools of radioactive irony here besides myself?

We may be closer to the doom of mankind than at anytime since The Bay of Pigs.

While Governments seek to calm the general populace’s slow-boil to hysteria over the Japanese Nuclear Disaster, most Middle Eastern Nations are in a desperate fight between maintaining the status quo and establishing something more akin to a democratic populist rise of personal freedom and liberty.

Valet Boy is all for personal freedom and liberty, but I fear this is a goal which they will never achieve.  Not because their Dictators and Monarchs will stifle their dreams, but rather because they as a people have no foundation upon which to build a government and society that recognizes and embraces a culture of personal freedom.  Apart from some 5th and 6th century flirtations with the ideals of a Republic, or partially Democratic society, these poor folks have been under the crushing thumb of mad dog oligarchies, monarchies and theocracies for so damn long they have no earthly idea how to handle freedom much less self-government.

The new boss will be the same as the old boss.  You just mark Valet Boy’s words.

Of course, the rest of the world’s most powerful governments (translated as major multi-national corporations and oil companies) are licking their choppers and planning to sweep in on the coattails of these revolutions to capitalize on hopefully more Western Friendly (translated as greedy and easily manipulated) revised-revamped  Nations.

But, you see from Valet Boy’s perspective all of this is a huge waste of precious time.

What good is all that oil?  What good is garnering the wealth of the world?  What good is revolution or depravity or subjugation?

What will it profit any of mankind when in 20 short months and some days the world will end?  Shouldn’t we better be concentrating on other things?

While to some it might seem silly that we go about prepping for “The End” –  what seems silly to Valet Boy is that some people (translate as despots, dictators, demagogues, congress) insist on waging a world of hurt through war, deprivation and enslavement seemingly unbothered by the inevitable.

Valet Boy is of the opinion that success is where preparation slams into the butt of opportunity.

Therefore, today we will be discussing the best pathways to ensure that YOU are fully prepared when you find yourself at the corner of “OMG and Holy Shit” streets!

The Top Things to Forget

This is critically important.

Most Disaster Preparedness Agencies and Officials will tell you to have certain SUPPLIES on hand, and in abundance, such as:  Radio & batteries, Flashlight & batteries, Portable TV & batteries,  Portable HVAC & batteries….

Keep the Batteries and forget the rest of the crap.  Get a battery powered Giant Dildo. Let’s face it.  You’ve already been screwed to the max, you may as well enjoy the rest of the ride.

FOOD & WATER. Well obviously people who horde food are of the opinion that they will survive long enough to digest their last meal…These foolhardy individuals are simply misguided optimists without a clue.  So rather than waste your time rushing willynilly gathering tons of canned Del Monte baby peas & string beans…. Just head to your local liquor store and stock up on the Johnny Walker Blue Label.

One of the things that I always found ridiculous when I did my stint in AA ( Yeah,  I know) was when someone would announce something like, “You all know that Fred B. died this past week after battling cancer for the last 5 years.  All I can say, is Thank God he died sober”.  Or  “Billy G. was senselessly murdered in a drive by shooting last night, but good for him, he was sober.”

BS!!!  Listen, if I’m going down for the final count – I want a friggin’ Top Shelf Martini chop chop, ya dig?  And throw in a BJ while you’re at it.

So…Let’s take stock…We’ve got a dildo, batteries and booze…Okay so far so good.  I might also throw in some good BOOKS.  Grab your personal faves and you might want to consider packing the BIBLE too…just to be safe.  Oh, and on second thought, keep that battery operated TV/DVD player combo and bring along a selection of your favorite films and some CD’s.  That takes care of the Entertainment…of course, in all likelihood we won’t live long enough to even start a good game of Scrabble.

This past week I saw a special on TV about some of the folks who are planning ahead for the World’s End.  They are making a handy profit on all the freaking out.  Though when there’s nothing left to buy, I have no idea what good all that gold will be.

Of course, Valet Boy is not really preparing for the End of the World.  Like most of us, I want it to come as a surprise, albeit not a very pleasant one.  When everyone thought Comet Kohotek was going to wipe us out, Valet Boy and a couple of his buds dropped acid and went to Sequoia National Park to play with the trees.  Now, that’s what I call preparing for the End of the World.

Excuse me, bartender…about that Top Shelf Martini…

So with this last “Confessions of a Valet Boy” – just in case I never see you again – Let me thank you all for your readership, comments and words of support over the past year.  It has indeed been a fun ride and I am happy and lucky to count all of you as my friends.

I’m sure Valet Boy will pop up again, perhaps from time to time when the level of stupidity crests to the flood stage and there is no other way out of the sanitarium.

To those of you who expressed interest in my novel, I’ll let you know as things progress…. Please keep your fingers crossed that I do finish before the tide rises and we are all washed away.

And now on a more personal note:

Happy Birthday To Roger H. one of VB’s most ardent fans and faithful friends.

Good Luck, Fidel, on striking it rich in the desert.  I’m counting on you to support me in my old age….better hurry up though.

Dan, don’t fall asleep in the van!

Kelly W., I’ll be coming through Greenville soon and ready for a big hug.

Leslie D., I’m keeping all my fingers crossed.  Give SB a big hug.

John & Rhonda, I may make it back there in time to help you guys out.

Rita BoBita, I’m growing my hair long and I’ve lost 21 pounds….Say Hi to Taco Bill.

Hali B., Marci D. and Debbie P.R. – You Gals are my California Mafia and I love ya!

Terry Lee… see Valet Boy did mention you!  Now a show of hands…who’s open?

P.A.,  Hoo-Haa caught more fish than Kellie and me combined.  Can you believe that?

Paulie (aka Mr. Knuckle), I’m never picking up another paint brush…ever!

Laura T., thanks for being my defacto literary adviser.

Deb Em, here’s hoping the Buffalo will roam free and rule the land once again.

To my family and friends in Alabama, New Mexico, North Carolina, California, Arizona, Indiana, Illinois, New York, South Carolina and Beyond….

Thank You All and Don’t Forget to Set the Parking Brake!

With Love,

Valet Boy

Posted in Humor | 6 Comments

Valet Boy’s Fond Farewell – This Sunday


My final Valet Boy post comes on the heels of the One Year VB Anniversary.  As promised – or as threatened – I am taking time off to work on a few other “literary” projects.

So, please join me and my closest friends this Sunday for an ignominious farewell salute.

Ciao Bellas y Bellos,

Valet Boy

Posted in Humor | Leave a comment

You Don’t Know Sheen From Shinola!


Shinola Shoe Polish

This is Shinola.

It was trademarked in 1929 by the 2-in-1 Shinola-Bixby Corporation of New Jersey.  The phrase, “You don’t know shit from Shinola” became a popular saying during WWII.  Shinola was also the “make-up” of choice for racist minstrel show performers.

The rest of the sh*t is pure Sheen!

Born September 3, 1965 as Carlos Irwin Estevez in New York City,  Charlie Sheen is the youngest of 4 children and the most successful, famous, loved and despised.

You would’ve had to be living beneath a rock in the crawl space of a Tibetan monastery not to know about Charlie’s recent explosive meltdown.

By contrast, Lindsay’s and Brittany’s meltdowns were child’s play compared to Charlie “The Malibu Messiah” Sheen’s volcanic fall from questionable grace.  The closest thing to Charlie’s degeneration was last year’s apocalyptic slide into infamy by Mel Gibson.  However, Mel did not intend for the world to become privy to his substance abuse and his violent rants and raves.  Charlie did everything possible to ensure the world knew of his plight.

Strangely mute have been his former cast members of the hit TV show “Two and a Half Men”.  Charlie did admit that almost all of his co-stars had gotten in touch with him to offer words of support.  All except his #1 co-star – Jon Cryer, whom Sheen called a coward and a  troll.  Way to endear your friends there, Sheenster.  Cryer was recently seen on “Conan” cracking funny about his new moniker.  Tastefully done, I might add.

I’ve always liked the show “Two and a Half Men” and it is difficult to see how it can continue without Charlie.   And unless the affiliates, cable networks and syndicators link hands and unite for an anti-Sheen Kumbaya moment, the now unemployed Mr. Charlie stands to continue making million$ off the show for many years to come thro re-runs, syndication and DVD sales.  This just adds precious financial fuel to his enthusiastic acrimony….should he survive that long.

Also absent from media commentary seems to be Charlies’ dad Martin and brother Emilio. From my perspective both family and erstwhile cast pals should be given some kind of an award for long-suffering patience or at least a special place in Heaven.

Artist's rendering of the Sheenster in rehab.

I’ve just finished reading Tim Dorsey’s latest book entitled “Electric Barracuda”.  For those unfamiliar with Mr. Dorsey’s work, I can tell you this – you are missing a wildly fun ride.

Set in the Sunshine State, his lead character, throughout this series of irreverent and hilarious stories, is the anti-hero known as Serge – a good-natured, bi-polar, schizoid poet/serial killer/historian with a love for all things “old Florida”.

The smart Producer would snatch up Charlie and cast him in the role of Serge and start production immediately on any one of the 13 novels starring Serge and his stoner buddy Coleman.  Tim wouldn’t even have to work that hard on the film script.  They could just point the camera at Charlie and tell the supporting cast to roll with it.  “Think of him as the drunken hyper-alien version of Robin Williams on super steroids and nicotine infused mega vitamins.”

If I was the President, I would draft Charlie as our emissary to the Middle East and charge him with handling delicate negotiations with the regions’ most insane dictators and leaders.  I believe that Charlie alone speaks a language that Libya’s Gaddafi and Iran’s Ahmadinejad can understand and appreciate.  Certainly, at the very least, they would attain a new respect for us crazy Americans.

This past week, word came down that Charlie may actually be starting to think maybe he’s stepped a wee bit too close to the mental-emotional precipice.  I hope so.  This is one very talented guy who can learn from others who have trod this dangerous and deadly path before him.  Most notably the fellow whom I believe to be the finest American Actor working today – Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

I’m sure we all are keeping our digits firmly crossed that Charlie gets the help he needs.

__________________________________________________________

On a lighter note…

For those wondering about my current battle with the mid-life spread and my diet – I am down 18 pounds and it has been for the most part relatively easy.  My goal is simply to be able to fit into the jeans which have been languishing in my closet for the last 4-5 years.

__________________________________________________________

Dear Friends and Readers,

I’m sure you join me in sending our thoughts and prayers to the people of Japan.

And to a lesser degree the folks in Hawaii and Northern California.

If you have had any doubts that mankind is drawing ever closer to his apocryphal end – currently slated for December 2012 – please pull you head out of your…well… your “you-know-what” and get with program.

We have screwed the pooch.  We’ve drained the cauldron.  We’ve ridden the last horse into the ground.  We’ve bedded the last virgin.

We stuffed ourselves at the table, ran off without paying the tab, kicked the Piper on the way out the door and drove off from the pump stiffing the attendant.

Get right with your maker, your bookie, your ex’s and whomever else you owe any Karmic due…

The After Life is going to be pretty frigging gnarly!!

Thanks for Reading!

Oh, have a safe and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Valet Boy

Posted in Funny Stuff, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments